Well, this year I made a promise to myself to RISE above that. SO here I am. I am going to lay it all out for all to see. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Now the reason I'm doing this is so I won't feel like I'm someone I'm not. I'm doing this so I can learn to ACCEPT who I am, so I can then learn to LOVE who I am. I have struggled with feeling like this my entire life. I have always felt like no matter what I do, I will never be good enough. Maybe now, I will learn that to me, myself, and I (and God)... I AM good enough.
My name is Shelby Morgan Lindholm (really it's Smith because I STILL haven't changed it legally yet, ugh!), I am 23 years old, 5' 4", 240 lbs. (ouch, that was a little hard), I have pretty blue eyes and a slightly crooked smile (thanks daddy!). I am obsessed with Cameron Lindholm and Olivia Lindholm, (man I really need to get that name changed). I love photography, make up, and anything to do with hair, besides lice, because that's just nasty. I am trying to find the "new" me after the huge lifestyle changes I have made (converting to LDS, getting married, and being a mom... which I did in 3 years time... I think I set a record haha). I like to put headphones on while driving and sing at the top of my lungs. If I am in a really good mood, I even act like I am performing in front of an audience, unless I am at a stop light, then I act normal. I tend to gossip more than I should and I wear my feelings on my sleeve. I am extremely sensitive... like half the time I am thinking, "oh no they don't like me anymore". I am super competitive and I love to win. I love the real curves of my body, but I HATE how I let my weight get the best of me and I hate how much weight I put on this past year. When I am feeling like I don't want to work out or eat healthy, instead of looking at other skinnier people, (like I used to), I just look back at old pictures and tell myself "you can do this." I tend to snap at my husband a lot. I only do laundry when we are all out of clothes... same thing with the dishes. When someone comes over to my house and they say "your house is so clean", I say in my head, "Well don't look in my room because everything was just thrown in there prior to your arrival". I text and drive. I dance and drive. But I don't drink and drive, that counts for something right? Speaking of drinking, that is one of my biggest struggles. I gave up drugs and alcohol a few years ago and have been sober since, BUT it's something that I always want to go back to when things are tough. I truly believe if it wasn't for this church, my husband, and my daughter, I would still have a problem with it. I always want to give up or quit when things get really hard. I'm not going to go into detail on this but all I will say is this: I have witnessed first hand what happens when a person gives up on their life for something else. I will never give up. I may want to... but I will never walk out because the struggle was too much. I know for a fact, I am stronger than that.
There are probably a ton more things I do but I think that's the biggest things that I can think of. Out of all this of this I have realized 3 things:
1) I'm NOT perfect... Hell I am not even CLOSE to perfect.
2) That's ok...
3) I am still loved.
As I'm writing this, tears are in my eyes. "I am still loved"... Something about that last realization just hit home. Even though I'm not anything like those other women I always compare myself to, I am still loved. To me, it's an amazing feeling to know that no matter what, God and my family and friends still love me for me. Not for anything else but for ME. (I guarantee you my mom is probably rolling her eyes and thinking, "Shelby, I have been telling you that for years!" sorry mom, I guess I had to realize this on my own.) Guys, we are who we are. Let's stop comparing, judging, and hating and let's come together... I am also talking to myself. I am promising myself that I am going to try to just be me and not someone else. I'm going to mess up, I'm going to have a hard time with it, but I am going to try. That's all God ever asked of me anyways, to be the best me and to come unto Christ. I know that through the path I am on, this will happen. In the Lord's time, I will learn to love myself, and to rise above.
 |
XOXO
To watch the video that inspired me to write this, click here.
