Slow Down

These last couple of months I have had a pit in my stomach. 

Olivia really is growing up. 

We are stepping out of the Toddler Zone and into the Kid Zone... which means she doesn't "need" me like she used to. She can go to the bathroom herself. She can feed herself. She can bathe herself. She can even brush her hair and get dressed on her own. 

And want to know something?

I AM NOT OK WITH THIS. 

It's crazy to think that her being so "big" can make me so sad. I used to dream about the days when I didn't have to change a poopy diaper. Or the days when we could both eat together, instead of my stomach growling while I fed her. Now that those days are finally here, I'm struck with such sadness. 

This change of season has me yearning for those precious moments back when she NEEDED me. 

When she needed to hold my hand to walk. 

When she needed a bottle in order to go to bed. 

When she just relied on me for everything. 

Now that she no longer "needs" me (and I use quotations because she DOES need me, but not so much for the little things), I feel a little bit empty. 

Life is just hard, you want the things you can't have. 

I want Liv to be little again. I want to go back in time and hold her a little longer. Squeeze her a little tighter. 

I want to go back and tell myself  "Don't complain about your numb arm from holding her! She is a baby and is going to grow up. Enjoy it while you can!"

It's ironic because: I heard that phrase ALL OF THE TIME. 

"Enjoy it while you can!"

I used to LOATHE this statement. People said it at the worst times, usually when she was having a baby-meltdown. I hated hearing that, but now I wish I listened to it. 

Time DOES go by with a blink of an eye, and all that is left is a grown kid and "Mom-Guilt". 

Lately Olivia has been fighting naps... BIG TIME. I'm starting to think she is outgrowing them. Which is just another reminder of how big she is getting. Before you know it she will be ready for school and then I will REALLY be having some issues. Today she finally fell asleep and I thought: You better document this, it may be her last nap ever. (Yes, I'm over-dramatic.) 

I am so in love with this sweet angel. I'm so grateful she is Mine and Cameron's for forever. I'm grateful for my camera and how I have the ability to stop time and enjoy it. 

If you too have a baby and he/she is growing up super fast, I challenge you to document these tiny sweet moments. You never know when it'll be their last bottle. Or the last time you rock them to sleep. Or the last time they crawl. These precious moments are flying by and we HAVE to "enjoy them while we can." 

-XOXO-

Body Positive

* For as long as I can remember, I've always hated my body. At the small age of 13, I remember thinking "I wish I could cut out my fat, so that way people will like me"*

Background:

Since the age of 12 (when I woke up with literally a C cup breast size, thanks puberty!) I have felt ashamed of my weight. I remember in middle school my parents got me a personal trainer and I would work out everyday with my mom after school. Still, I kept gaining weight. In high school I leaned out a little because I became more active and busy, I had less time in front of the TV. After high school, like everyone else, I gained MORE weight. It wasn't anything alarming health wise, but to me I became even more insecure with myself. I started to binge eat and would yo-yo diet. It was a terrible cycle that I was in and it only made me gain more weight. Fast forward to after I had my daughter, and I went through the terrible Postpartum Depression, Postpartum Anxiety, and what would be later figured out as Postpartum Rage. ALL different things but ALL very scary and real challenges. I completely forgot who I was and I just remember I would eat a family size bag of Rolos and Coke all day long to help cope with my out of wack emotions. I remember just how holding my three month old daughter was so hard on my body. I felt like a cooked noodle, having no shape, form, or strength. 

Present:

This year, I decided to embark on yet another healthy lifestyle weight-loss plan. This time however, I made it just as MENTALLY important as PHYSICALLY important, which is something I have never included. I assumed loosing weight was a physical thing only. (It's actually the complete opposite!). I started reading blogs about being body positive. I started following more women like Ashley Graham and less people like Kim Kardashian. (Which is a GAME CHANGER. You'll be surprised by the effect the people you follow have on you and your views!) 

I knew I wouldn't wake up one day and just love myself. So I took a tip from America Ferrera, and every time I heard my inner critic tell me I was fat, or ugly, or worthless, I would shove those thoughts out of the way and give myself a compliment. 

DISCLAIMER: I STILL have a hard time with this. I STILL get in funks where I let the inner critic get the best of me. I AM NOT PERFECT. Whenever this happens I try to remain positive. I have to remember, I have hated my body for about 65% of my LIFE, so learning to LOVE myself wasn't going to happen overnight. 

So here we are today, and this year I have been the MOST active. I have been healthy for longest time frame in my life. 

This being said: 

-I have DEFINITELY fallen off the wagon a few times

-I still haven't hit my goal weight

-I have only dropped ONE dress size

-I STILL have "binging" moments. 

(I'm sharing this because in order to move up, sometimes you have to fall down)

And guess what? Through all of that, I am SO much stronger than I have ever been. EVER. I can do 20 push-ups in a row. I can do a 50 min cardio workout without stopping. I can hold my 30 pound toddler around a grocery store and not get as worn out or out of breath. 

I have come to realize that Body Positivity is SO important when trying to loose weight. In the past I have thought, "you CANT do this" and now I am saying "I CAN"

Life is too damn short to be hating ourselves. "Body Confidence does not come from trying to ACHIEVE the 'Perfect Body', it comes from EMBRACING the one you already have."

I am so proud of this body I have. It's STRONG. It's FIERCE. It's BEAUTIFUL. If I can force myself to LOVE a body I have hated and been ashamed of most of my life, then anyone can. It takes daily reminders, and constant love. I still have bad days. I still cringe if I see a bad photo of myself. I still get insecure when my acne decides to blow up on my face. But that's OK, because I'm HUMAN. I just have to remember to not give up. I have to remember to tell my inner critic "SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP", because #aintnobodygottimeforthat

I'll end with one of my favorite quotes of all time:

"For what it's worth:

It's never too late to be

Whoever you want to be.

I hope you live a life you're proud of, 

And if you find that you're not, 

I hope you have the strength to start over"

   -F. Scott Fitzgerald 

Photo Credit: Shutterspark Photography