Motherhood

So as my daughter graced into her "half year old" mark, I have been reflecting quite a bit on the last six months. It truly has flown by which, like any mom, it makes me terribly sad. I remember her first cry, the first time I saw her, the first time she smiled, and so on... I'm starting to stress knowing that she is running out of "firsts"! Im sad that she is growing so fast. I'm sad that I can't remember it all. Looking back I decided I wanted to open up to you about Motherhood and all the struggles and joy it has brought me.

I wanted to share her birth story but it was so long I decided to sum it up for you all, and I will post that story another time. I went into labor with Olivia on July 23rd at 10pm. My labor was one of those rare "Hollywood movie" labors. We were all sitting around my in-laws house hanging out when my water just randomly broke. I wasn't even in pain until about 3am but I shortly received an epidural. I pushed for about an hour and she came out perfect and healthy. There were zero scares and the entire thing was only about 8 hrs long... It was truly perfect and I would relive that day over again in a heartbeat.

As time went and we took her home reality started to sink in. All of the "unglamorous" things about childbirth started to hit me and I realized that this was not what I was expecting. Sure, I was aware of the late nights, sore nipples, and the endless diaper changes... but I was NOT prepared for the constant crying (from Olivia and ME), the hormones, the messy house, the non-cooked dinners, the hemorrhoids, the mesh underwear, the blood, the engorgement, the constant leaking sink (which were actually my boobs), and the loose-flabby skin. Now I apologize if that was all "too much" but I'm being completely honest because it's the TRUTH. It's ugly, it's not fun and it's real! I feel like Hollywood movies and books all sugar coat the "post pregnancy" and that lead me to fall on my face in the end. And to be honest, this isn't Hollywood and this isn't a book, this is real life and in "real life" things can be pretty gruesome. Life was so hard, and for the first 3-4 months of Olivia's life I was miserable. I was extremely depressed, I was severely overwhelmed, and uncontrollably lost. I had no idea who I was anymore, and I had no idea who Olivia was. We had never met before and crying was her only form of communication. I felt like everything was a challenge with her and that I couldn't do anything right. It seemed that everyone else knew how to make her stop crying... except for me. Everyone else knew how to get her to sleep... except for me. And lastly, everyone else knew the answers and certainly LOVED to voice their opinion on how I should raise her. I was so lost and so sad. I felt like giving up on life every day. I felt like I wasn't worth anything to anyone and I felt like a terrible mom. Then something crazy happened... I prayed. A LOT. Like "allday erryday", and things started to change. Olivia started to only want ME. I started getting ready for the day and actually put make up on and comb my hair. Things started to turn around for the better.

This may sound dramatic and frightening, but it's all very true. Through prayer and faith, I was able to push through my depression, anxiety and stress, and learn how to be Olivia's mom. Not only that, but I felt as if God was the one teaching me. Each morning I would wake up and tell Him I wouldn't give up that day, if He could give me peace throught the hard times and show me graditutde through the good. Here we are six months in and it's amazing how much change has happened. I still have my days where it seems like I'm back at the beginning, but there are also days that are SO perfect. The days where I walk in her room in the morning and she looks up at me as if thinking, "oh hey mom! there you are! I missed you!", and the days where I can get her to keep laughing and giggling uncontrollably. Or days where she is willing to be on her own so I can get some work done around the house. Being a mom is the hardest job I have ever had. But it is also a job that I KNOW will bring true happiness. It's the job that God trusted me with, which, let's be honest... there are times where I wonder why on earth He trusted me so much. Haha

On July 24th my world changed. It was like everything I knew, everything I was, and everything I lived for was thrown out the window and a sweet, innocent, perfect baby took it's place. I thank God everyday for pushing me through my depression. I thank Him for my family and my friends who have helped. And I also thank Him for giving me and my husband one of His angels. My life may have turned upside down... but I wouldn't have traded that for anything. I'm grateful for the life I have and for the trails I have, and I know that through prayer, anything is possible. Motherhood may be the hardest thing in the world, but it is SO worth it.

 



Side note: My husband took this picture and I am so so SOO in love with it!

2014 Reflection

With the New Year happening, it has made me really look back and reflect on 2014. I decided to make a list of words that came to mind as I thought about the year from beginning to end:

• Fired
• Worried
• Sadness
• Failure
• Pregnant
• Swollen
• Financial Problems
• Depression
• Birth
• Hormones
• Mastitis
• Crying
• Photography
• Seeking help
• Prayer
• Christ
• Atonement
• Positivity
• Happiness
• Kindness
• Forgiveness
• Love 
• New ME

As the year started, I was fired, pregnant and hopeless. I felt like a failure to my family. I felt like I let my baby and husband down. I felt like I let God down. It took me the whole year to really get over that. I experienced some of the darkest times of my life in 2014. One day I sought out for help and I honestly can say that was a HUGE turning point. Through leaning on family, friends, and even professional help I was able to work on the new me. I truly believe through childbirth and becoming a first time mom, you tend to loose yourself in everything. From late night feedings, dirty diapers, a messy home, cooking dinner and all the other things that come with being a stay at home mom, its easy to forget about yourself and push your needs to the side. It was amazing to realize this and really try to refocus and find that "new me". I threw myself back into my favorite hobby, photography. Everything I did, I did for Christ. (or tried to, no one is perfect). I saw a therapist (or as she likes to refer herself to as a "life coach"). I accepted the fact that I can't do everything on my own and that I needed to rely on Christ and God to help me. Coming to Christ was such a humbling experience. I thought it would take time but sure enough He was right there as soon as I fell on my knees. I'm SO glad 2014 is over. I'm SO glad I was able to learn and grow in ways I never thought I could. I'm SO glad I was fired. I'm SO glad for every single trial last year. They have made me who I am now. When I think about the person I have changed into, I see someone I have always wanted to see but never have. I am learning to be confident and happy. I'm forcing myself to see a positive in EVERY situation (which there always is one). I am surrounding myself with those who love me and not those who try to break me down. I know that this year only started 6 days ago, but I am optimistic in knowing it will be a good one. Sometimes in life you have to force yourself to smile, brush yourself off and move on. Sometimes in life you have to forget what OTHERS think of you and trying to please them. The only person I try to please is God. He is all that matters. If I am pleasing Him and doing His work that He has asked me to do, then everything else will work out. I am extremely grateful for the opportunities I had last year to grow and come closer to Christ. I am also grateful for a new year and new beginnings. Bring it on 2015, I'm ready. Here are some pictures that recap last year :)