Slow Down

These last couple of months I have had a pit in my stomach. 

Olivia really is growing up. 

We are stepping out of the Toddler Zone and into the Kid Zone... which means she doesn't "need" me like she used to. She can go to the bathroom herself. She can feed herself. She can bathe herself. She can even brush her hair and get dressed on her own. 

And want to know something?

I AM NOT OK WITH THIS. 

It's crazy to think that her being so "big" can make me so sad. I used to dream about the days when I didn't have to change a poopy diaper. Or the days when we could both eat together, instead of my stomach growling while I fed her. Now that those days are finally here, I'm struck with such sadness. 

This change of season has me yearning for those precious moments back when she NEEDED me. 

When she needed to hold my hand to walk. 

When she needed a bottle in order to go to bed. 

When she just relied on me for everything. 

Now that she no longer "needs" me (and I use quotations because she DOES need me, but not so much for the little things), I feel a little bit empty. 

Life is just hard, you want the things you can't have. 

I want Liv to be little again. I want to go back in time and hold her a little longer. Squeeze her a little tighter. 

I want to go back and tell myself  "Don't complain about your numb arm from holding her! She is a baby and is going to grow up. Enjoy it while you can!"

It's ironic because: I heard that phrase ALL OF THE TIME. 

"Enjoy it while you can!"

I used to LOATHE this statement. People said it at the worst times, usually when she was having a baby-meltdown. I hated hearing that, but now I wish I listened to it. 

Time DOES go by with a blink of an eye, and all that is left is a grown kid and "Mom-Guilt". 

Lately Olivia has been fighting naps... BIG TIME. I'm starting to think she is outgrowing them. Which is just another reminder of how big she is getting. Before you know it she will be ready for school and then I will REALLY be having some issues. Today she finally fell asleep and I thought: You better document this, it may be her last nap ever. (Yes, I'm over-dramatic.) 

I am so in love with this sweet angel. I'm so grateful she is Mine and Cameron's for forever. I'm grateful for my camera and how I have the ability to stop time and enjoy it. 

If you too have a baby and he/she is growing up super fast, I challenge you to document these tiny sweet moments. You never know when it'll be their last bottle. Or the last time you rock them to sleep. Or the last time they crawl. These precious moments are flying by and we HAVE to "enjoy them while we can." 

-XOXO-

Body Positive

* For as long as I can remember, I've always hated my body. At the small age of 13, I remember thinking "I wish I could cut out my fat, so that way people will like me"*

Background:

Since the age of 12 (when I woke up with literally a C cup breast size, thanks puberty!) I have felt ashamed of my weight. I remember in middle school my parents got me a personal trainer and I would work out everyday with my mom after school. Still, I kept gaining weight. In high school I leaned out a little because I became more active and busy, I had less time in front of the TV. After high school, like everyone else, I gained MORE weight. It wasn't anything alarming health wise, but to me I became even more insecure with myself. I started to binge eat and would yo-yo diet. It was a terrible cycle that I was in and it only made me gain more weight. Fast forward to after I had my daughter, and I went through the terrible Postpartum Depression, Postpartum Anxiety, and what would be later figured out as Postpartum Rage. ALL different things but ALL very scary and real challenges. I completely forgot who I was and I just remember I would eat a family size bag of Rolos and Coke all day long to help cope with my out of wack emotions. I remember just how holding my three month old daughter was so hard on my body. I felt like a cooked noodle, having no shape, form, or strength. 

Present:

This year, I decided to embark on yet another healthy lifestyle weight-loss plan. This time however, I made it just as MENTALLY important as PHYSICALLY important, which is something I have never included. I assumed loosing weight was a physical thing only. (It's actually the complete opposite!). I started reading blogs about being body positive. I started following more women like Ashley Graham and less people like Kim Kardashian. (Which is a GAME CHANGER. You'll be surprised by the effect the people you follow have on you and your views!) 

I knew I wouldn't wake up one day and just love myself. So I took a tip from America Ferrera, and every time I heard my inner critic tell me I was fat, or ugly, or worthless, I would shove those thoughts out of the way and give myself a compliment. 

DISCLAIMER: I STILL have a hard time with this. I STILL get in funks where I let the inner critic get the best of me. I AM NOT PERFECT. Whenever this happens I try to remain positive. I have to remember, I have hated my body for about 65% of my LIFE, so learning to LOVE myself wasn't going to happen overnight. 

So here we are today, and this year I have been the MOST active. I have been healthy for longest time frame in my life. 

This being said: 

-I have DEFINITELY fallen off the wagon a few times

-I still haven't hit my goal weight

-I have only dropped ONE dress size

-I STILL have "binging" moments. 

(I'm sharing this because in order to move up, sometimes you have to fall down)

And guess what? Through all of that, I am SO much stronger than I have ever been. EVER. I can do 20 push-ups in a row. I can do a 50 min cardio workout without stopping. I can hold my 30 pound toddler around a grocery store and not get as worn out or out of breath. 

I have come to realize that Body Positivity is SO important when trying to loose weight. In the past I have thought, "you CANT do this" and now I am saying "I CAN"

Life is too damn short to be hating ourselves. "Body Confidence does not come from trying to ACHIEVE the 'Perfect Body', it comes from EMBRACING the one you already have."

I am so proud of this body I have. It's STRONG. It's FIERCE. It's BEAUTIFUL. If I can force myself to LOVE a body I have hated and been ashamed of most of my life, then anyone can. It takes daily reminders, and constant love. I still have bad days. I still cringe if I see a bad photo of myself. I still get insecure when my acne decides to blow up on my face. But that's OK, because I'm HUMAN. I just have to remember to not give up. I have to remember to tell my inner critic "SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP", because #aintnobodygottimeforthat

I'll end with one of my favorite quotes of all time:

"For what it's worth:

It's never too late to be

Whoever you want to be.

I hope you live a life you're proud of, 

And if you find that you're not, 

I hope you have the strength to start over"

   -F. Scott Fitzgerald 

Photo Credit: Shutterspark Photography

From Atheist to Mormon Part 1

In honor of my four year anniversary to joining the LDS church, I decided to blog about my conversion into the gospel. I separated it into two parts, one being my actual conversion and the other being the moment when my life was fully centered around the gospel and around God.

Growing up we never went to church or never really learned about God and Jesus Christ. I had a few friends who took me to their Christian churches, but I never really understood who God was and what his plan was. There were moments in my life where something would happen and I would think, wow if God really did exist why would He let such cruel and terrible things happen? Or if He was real, why not show up and actually help out this chaotic world instead of stand back and let hell break loose. I started to resent Him and really question if He was even real. There was a significant part in my life where I had decided that God was NOT real and was just a big joke that Christians would tell themselves because they rather “pray” than face their actual issues. I stayed this was for a few years until I met a young return missionary. She was my boyfriend-at-the-times sister and she had just gotten home from her mission. We would get into respectful discussions about God and the Mormon Church and she never once pressure me into learning more. I started to have more and more questions and finally she suggested that I meet with the missionaries. They were low on visiting new people and since I was really curious about the church it just made sense to go to them. I will never forget the first discussion I had. They explained to me about God and who He was. The explained how much God loved me, regardless if I loved Him. They showed me scriptures from the Holy Bible (NOT the Book of Mormon, the actual Bible). They even had the guts to ask me to get baptized! (Which I politely explained I would “think” about it). After that discussion it seemed like I had even more questions. I continued to meet with them for about ten months. Within these ten months I had learned so much about God and His plan. The biggest thing that I had learned was praying. It was the first thing the missionaries really told me to try. I was nervous to pray and felt quite dumb talking to myself, but in time I started to feel something I had never felt before: the pure love of Christ. True peace. And most importantly, REAL eternal happiness. As time went on, I could not deny these things. I knew that getting baptized was the right thing for me to do at that time in my life. On October 29^th, 2011 I was baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Better yet, on October 29^th, 2011 I had went from Atheist to Mormon. It was, at the time, the BEST decision I had made. I remember walking out of the water and crouching down, hugging my knees and crying. It was the first time in my life I felt WHOLE. It was the first time I had felt so close to God. I knew He was in that room with me at that moment and I knew that He was proud of me, just like I was proud of myself. I won’t ever forget that feeling. The feeling of being pure and clean.

I just want to explain something. I can’t scientifically prove to you that God is real. He isn’t going to come down and show Himself to those who doubt Him either. I can’t prove that the Book of Mormon is real and true. I can’t explain why Joseph Smith was asked to translate the brass plates either. I can’t sit down and tell you what happens in the Mormon temples and why it happens. I can’t explain why tithing works and why it matters to God. I can’t physically show you the Holy Ghost and all the blessings He has brought me. There are a TON of things that I CANT PROVE. Why? Not because they are false, but because that is how God works. If everything could be revealed and proven as a hard cold fact, there would be no need for FAITH. There would be no need for the Atonement. There would be no need for God. I used to be insecure when people would ask me questions about the Mormon Church that I couldn’t explain. I would get defensive, sensitive, and shut them out. I have finally come to the conclusion that in this life right now, we are not meant to have all of the answers and all of the knowledge. We are only meant to have pure charity for one another and have enough faith to follow God’s commandments. I may not be able to prove those things, but I know that they are true. I know this Church is as true as it is me sitting here typing these words. God is real, and He not only loves me, but loves you too. If you aren’t sure, just ask Him! I double dog dare ya.

Four years ago I was a very lost and confused girl. I was drinking almost every night, partying and lying and a whole bunch of other stuff. I was greedy, selfish and ungrateful. I was mean and rude and had realllly bad road rage. As of today I strive to be better than that. I have an amazing husband who loves me, who is sealed to me for forever. I have a sweet little girl who likes to make me cry and smile without even being aware she is doing so. I still have road rage. I have happiness that I never thought was possible. I have the atonement in my life every step of the way, and most importantly I have God. I wouldn’t change anything about my path and I thank God every day for His tender mercies. If it wasn’t for the “Mormons” I wouldn’t have all these amazing blessings and I would most likely still be that same lost and confused girl. I’m grateful for the opportunities that God has given me, they have brought me where I am today and that’s a joy I never would’ve known if it wasn’t for Him and this gospel.

It's Party Time!

This last Saturday my husband and I got to throw our daughter her first birthday party. We went with a luau pool party theme... and I have got to say, this was one of my favorite days of my life. I loved all the family and friends who helped and came to celebrate her with us. I loved how every time I would look around, someone was laughing, smiling, and having so much fun. I love how excited Olivia got with the cake, presents, and pool time. I love how her eyes lit up when the other children would come around and kiss her and greet her. This day was so rewarding and I am so happy with how everything turned out. I would do it again in a heart beat. 

Here are just a few snap shots of this amazing day! 

Her memory board.... I have a love/hate relationship with this thing. I wanted to include ALL of the pictures I had in her first year which ended up being over 1,000... So I slimmed that down to 300... then to 100... when we realized that not all of the 100 pics would fit, I think we ended at about 30. It took my mom, marty and me almost 3 hrs just to pick through which photos to choose! 

Guys, my new found love: Costco cake. HOLY amazing. I think I ate half of it when we got home... 

This dress came all the way from Hawaii! Her Great Aunt Rhonda got it for her when we had her BABY SHOWER. I was so excited she finally got to wear it! 

Pinterest WIN: seashell painting. The kids loved it! 

I had to snag a picture of Olivia's bestie snoozing at the party... Too CUTE! 

Most of the night, my Grandpa was attached to my nephew Easton. It was the cutest thing! 

I'd like to take a minute to give this woman a special shout out. She helped me SO much with this entire thing, and was so sweet. I am really glad that I get to have her as my mom and even more grateful knowing Olivia gets to have her as her  Grandma!

And that's all folks! Special thanks to all the family and friends who came out to celebrate her first birthday! I love you guys! 

One Year Old

I know it has taken me a few days to make a post for my daughters first birthday, let’s be honest, I have been in denial. Her first birthday crept up on me and before I knew it, it was already gone. That’s the thing about time, it just keeps on going.

Regardless, my daughter is officially one year old. Wow, even writing it seems crazy. When people ask how old she is I still think in my head, “oh she is just now four months!”, but the “months” have gone, and we are finally into years. I guess I could be one of those parents who refuse to own up to the year milestone and keep saying months… “Oh, she just turned 12 months a few days ago!”… Yeah, that just sounds silly if you ask me. Haha

A year has come and gone, and my daughter isn’t the only one who has grown tremendously. I have too. I am so glad that my husband and I took a leap of faith and decided to have a baby. I can’t really sum all that this year has brought and I don’t want this to turn into a sob story. So, I decided to share my letter that I wrote to Olivia. Every year until she is 18, I will write her a letter on how that year was. One of my love languages is words, and I love writing letters, (ask my husband, we live under the same roof but he still receives letters from me haha) so here is hers.

Dear Olivia,

                You are officially one year old! We made it! I remember this day a year ago so well. We just had you and you were sleeping so soundly in your little bed that the hospitals have. Your daddy is out getting us dinner, Culvers to be exact! I keep looking over at you as if you stopped breathing but, there you are just being the most perfect angel ever. As the days go by, your father and I are learning quite a bit. How to swaddle. How to nurse. How to get our sleep when we can. We learn what it’s like to pull countless all-nighters. The first three months were the hardest for me but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Around three months you start smiling. I literally thought my heart was going to burst! Your eyes are turning into a bright, beautiful blue. You begin chewing on your hands and moving a lot more. By six months old you are sitting up all by yourself. You can now laugh and giggle and your cries are changing too. You have turned into such a sweet and happy baby. You also have been sleeping through the night and are such a huge blessing. By 8-9 months you begin crawling and you start to really explore things! We call you our little vacuum because you are putting EVERYTHING you find into your mouth! You are saying “dada” “mama” and “uh-oh”. You love Mac N Cheese, This Little Piggy, and music. By a year old you can pull yourself up to stand and cruise furniture. You have grown into such a healthy and beautiful one year old.

I am so proud of all the things you have learned to do in your first year! I am so happy to call you mine, and I am honored that I get to be your mommy for forever. Thank you for being so patient with me. For loving me unconditionally and for teaching me so many things. Thank you for always cheering me up and for pushing me to be a better mom. You and your dad have been my rock and I love you both. There was a point that I thought I wouldn’t be able to be the mom you need. That I wasn’t good enough to you and that I didn’t deserve you. But then you smiled at me and I felt like you were saying “Oh mom, yes you CAN do this.” You are my little cheerleader and I am truly so grateful for you. I love you little bean. Happy Birthday.

Love always,

Mom 

But You're Mormon...

Let’s be real for a minute… I am a Mormon. Proud of it too! I go to church for three hours on a Sunday. I don’t drink coffee or tea, unless its herbal tea, then I’m all about it because it is DELISH. I don’t smoke, do drugs, or drink alcohol. I don’t wear revealing clothing. I pray all the time (well, try to). I read The Book of Mormon, and if you haven’t, you should! It’s a good one. I believe in a living day prophet and I go to the temple as often as I can. I AM A MORMON.

That being said: all of those things I have listed, I do them, NOT because “I’m a Mormon”, but because I am a big girl who can make her own damn choices. It is the most frustrating thing when someone says to me, “Oh yeah, you can’t do that because your Mormon.” HOLD UP! No, you are WRONG. I CHOOSE not to do those things because, (brace yourself), I simply chose NOT to do them! I don’t drink coffee and tea because it’s expensive and I don’t like how much I used to rely on it. I don’t drink alcohol or do drugs because, I used to do them and that was the lowest part of my life and I have CHOSEN, on my own, to not partake of those things. Yes, I am LDS (Mormon), and yes being part of this church has helped me “stay clean”, but at the end of the day, I am the one who made every choice in my life. I’m grateful to be part of this church that has showed me that there is so much more to life. I’m grateful for the teachings and scriptures I have available to me whenever I need guidance. I am also grateful for my past and for what life I have lived because it is a reference point that I will never go back to.

Being LDS is a lifestyle, but each choice that is made comes from me, and me only. Just because I’m LDS does not mean that I gave away my right of free agency. In fact, becoming LDS did just the opposite. It showed me that I DID have a choice to live a safe, healthy, and happy life. My husband and I were abstinent before marriage, not because that’s what our bishop MADE us do, but because we knew that God wanted us to wait, and we wanted to be sealed. So we stuck it out, and it was well worth it. I drink soda all the time, that’s my choice. Our church leaders have come out and said how caffeine isn’t the best thing to drink, but I still do it, and guess what?? I’m still allowed to go to church! That also ties into the music I listen to, the movies I watch, and whether or not I keep the Sabbath “holy” each Sunday. I do things in my life that make me happy. I don’t do them for the church. I don’t do them to “fit in” with all the other Mormons, or to get approval. I do them for God and myself. So the next time you know someone who is LDS and you see them drinking a Dr. Pepper, don’t tell them “I thought you couldn’t drink caffeine because you’re Mormon”. Instead, move on and go pick on someone else. We ALL have free agency. That means: we all make our own choices… so stop with the judging and do more loving!

Lindholm Family Reunion

Last week, my little family and I got to take a trip to the beautiful Flagstaff for the Lindholm Family Reunion. We do this every summer, and this year we did a short trip up north. Most of the extended family lives out of state, so it's always a blast getting to see everyone! We were only there for three days, but it was the perfect break from the HOT valley heat. We arrived Thursday evening, spent all day Friday at the Grand Canyon, and left Saturday morning. I had so much fun seeing our family, and it was so exciting for Olivia to see/meet some of her extended family! The Grand Canyon was Cameron and I's favorite part. We hiked about a mile in and just enjoyed looking at God's work. This world is truly beautiful and seeing the Grand Canyon was a complete eye opener for me! I miss our family already and can't wait for next summer! Here are some fun pictures I snapped along the way :)

First night at the hotel, playing some peekaboo with daddy and me

How lucky am I to have this guy in my life?! I could just kiss him all day! 

This is Steve and Kaylynn. I can't even begin to explain how much I love these guys and how inspirational they are to me. They are the ones who came up with the idea to hike the canyon in the first place, and it was one of the funnest hikes I have ever done! 

Starting our hike! 

First off, this picture does no justice to how beautiful & BIG the Grand Canyon is. Secondly, I can't wait to go back! 

"I'm on top of the world, ay!"... (Imagine Dragons anyone??)

Yes, he crawled over the side of this, and yes he is wearing cowboy boots. #boyswillbeboys

The entrance into the canyon... Daniel was too busy taking it all in to smile I guess... hehe

The back side of the canyon, I love how the light illuminated and carried through the inside of the tunnels! 

Love this woman so much! She has lost over 100 pounds, and she is such an inspiration to me! I'm grateful to have her in my life! 

We decided to #stopdropandyoga on the edge... Obviously I need more practice. In my defense, this was on our way back UP the canyon, and I was nearly dying. haha

Someone needed a little cat-nap after the hike... lucky duck! 

This was all the guys (besides Grandpa Lindholm, not sure where he was...) and Olivia too! 

My mother and father in law watched Olivia while we went on the hike in the morning and then met up with us in the afternoon... Olivia was so excited to see us! 

I'm so blessed to have Wendy on this trip! She was a huge help with Olivia and made everything so much more fun and enjoyable! Especially when it was way past nap time! 

I think he enjoyed the diaper bag more than anyone... #workit

Papa and Olivia! 

Obviously, the cat nap wasn't long enough... hehe

Chillin' with Grandma Lindholm and Daddy! 

Afterwards, we went and had lunch by the visiting area... Someone had a little too much dessert

How could you say no to this face though?!

This picture kills me... She is big enough to climb up onto luggage, and the couch and can now pick something up without falling down.... I need to accept that she will be walking soon, but I just can't! I'm not ready! 

All in all, it was a short and sweet trip to see some of the family and enjoy God's work. One of my favorite vacations and I look forward to more to come!