Motherhood

So as my daughter graced into her "half year old" mark, I have been reflecting quite a bit on the last six months. It truly has flown by which, like any mom, it makes me terribly sad. I remember her first cry, the first time I saw her, the first time she smiled, and so on... I'm starting to stress knowing that she is running out of "firsts"! Im sad that she is growing so fast. I'm sad that I can't remember it all. Looking back I decided I wanted to open up to you about Motherhood and all the struggles and joy it has brought me.

I wanted to share her birth story but it was so long I decided to sum it up for you all, and I will post that story another time. I went into labor with Olivia on July 23rd at 10pm. My labor was one of those rare "Hollywood movie" labors. We were all sitting around my in-laws house hanging out when my water just randomly broke. I wasn't even in pain until about 3am but I shortly received an epidural. I pushed for about an hour and she came out perfect and healthy. There were zero scares and the entire thing was only about 8 hrs long... It was truly perfect and I would relive that day over again in a heartbeat.

As time went and we took her home reality started to sink in. All of the "unglamorous" things about childbirth started to hit me and I realized that this was not what I was expecting. Sure, I was aware of the late nights, sore nipples, and the endless diaper changes... but I was NOT prepared for the constant crying (from Olivia and ME), the hormones, the messy house, the non-cooked dinners, the hemorrhoids, the mesh underwear, the blood, the engorgement, the constant leaking sink (which were actually my boobs), and the loose-flabby skin. Now I apologize if that was all "too much" but I'm being completely honest because it's the TRUTH. It's ugly, it's not fun and it's real! I feel like Hollywood movies and books all sugar coat the "post pregnancy" and that lead me to fall on my face in the end. And to be honest, this isn't Hollywood and this isn't a book, this is real life and in "real life" things can be pretty gruesome. Life was so hard, and for the first 3-4 months of Olivia's life I was miserable. I was extremely depressed, I was severely overwhelmed, and uncontrollably lost. I had no idea who I was anymore, and I had no idea who Olivia was. We had never met before and crying was her only form of communication. I felt like everything was a challenge with her and that I couldn't do anything right. It seemed that everyone else knew how to make her stop crying... except for me. Everyone else knew how to get her to sleep... except for me. And lastly, everyone else knew the answers and certainly LOVED to voice their opinion on how I should raise her. I was so lost and so sad. I felt like giving up on life every day. I felt like I wasn't worth anything to anyone and I felt like a terrible mom. Then something crazy happened... I prayed. A LOT. Like "allday erryday", and things started to change. Olivia started to only want ME. I started getting ready for the day and actually put make up on and comb my hair. Things started to turn around for the better.

This may sound dramatic and frightening, but it's all very true. Through prayer and faith, I was able to push through my depression, anxiety and stress, and learn how to be Olivia's mom. Not only that, but I felt as if God was the one teaching me. Each morning I would wake up and tell Him I wouldn't give up that day, if He could give me peace throught the hard times and show me graditutde through the good. Here we are six months in and it's amazing how much change has happened. I still have my days where it seems like I'm back at the beginning, but there are also days that are SO perfect. The days where I walk in her room in the morning and she looks up at me as if thinking, "oh hey mom! there you are! I missed you!", and the days where I can get her to keep laughing and giggling uncontrollably. Or days where she is willing to be on her own so I can get some work done around the house. Being a mom is the hardest job I have ever had. But it is also a job that I KNOW will bring true happiness. It's the job that God trusted me with, which, let's be honest... there are times where I wonder why on earth He trusted me so much. Haha

On July 24th my world changed. It was like everything I knew, everything I was, and everything I lived for was thrown out the window and a sweet, innocent, perfect baby took it's place. I thank God everyday for pushing me through my depression. I thank Him for my family and my friends who have helped. And I also thank Him for giving me and my husband one of His angels. My life may have turned upside down... but I wouldn't have traded that for anything. I'm grateful for the life I have and for the trails I have, and I know that through prayer, anything is possible. Motherhood may be the hardest thing in the world, but it is SO worth it.

 



Side note: My husband took this picture and I am so so SOO in love with it!